I love you. I don't like you.

I feel like I am failing. I am SO not the mother I ever thought I would be. I am not the mother I want to be. I don't play enough with the kids. I am too busy, so many things to do.... Those things are never finished yet I work on them all of the time instead if just sitting on the floor with the kids and playing. I yell too much. Lately, I have just lost my patience. Ben is usually the trigger. Some days I feel like I just yell at him all day long. He just pushes every button. I know he's jealous of his brother but Sam is 13 months old now. It's time for him to accept that Sam is sticking around here. I've tried to do one-on-one time with Ben. I've tried smothering him in love. I've tried setting strict limits. Still, I can't leave Ben and Sam together without staring at them for fear of what Ben will do to Sam. He has already bitten Sam so hard that he broke through the skin. He has stuffed 11 (Yes 11!!!) toys into the kid's feety pajamas. He has tripped him, hit him, pushed him.... I know he loves his brother but he just resents that little baby's place in this family so much. It makes it so much harder too because Sam is all sweetness and happiness. I try to remind myself that Ben is only 4 and I am the adult here but it's so hard sometimes. I tell my husband, Chris, some days how I don't even LIKE Ben. Of course, I love him. But like? Not so much. Especially when he's telling me, "Mommy, I don't like you." Well, the feeling's mutual kid. Isn't that such a horrible thought? I don't even mention it out loud to most people..

Why should we be expected, as parents, to like our kids no matter what. They are human beings with their own personalities. They can be mean. They can say hateful things. They can hit us and pinch us and bite us but because they are children working out emotions, etc. we are expected to like them no matter what. Of course, we love them. Always. More than anything in the world. And if a complete stranger were to say, "I don't like your child. He's mean. He's awful." our Mama Bear protectiveness would come out in a second. But we feel those things sometimes and it's not okay to say it. In fact, say it to the wrong person and you will look like an awful person. I know there are people who say they just love, love, love their children and they can do no wrong. Is that realistic? They're people. Mini people but people nonetheless and they are going to make mistakes and behave the wrong way. I think it's our job as parents to say, "I love you no matter what but I don't like this behavior." We need to teach them to grow up to be kind, gentle, nice adults. Imagine a world of adults behaving as children - hitting, throwing tantrums, biting, being awful. Not such a pretty picture, huh?

Today is a new day for me. I had my 3rd yoga class last night and am inspired. I'm proud of myself. I found myself doing a pose that I hadn't done in the other 2 classes and wondered why I didn't remember it. Then I realized I had been taking a break at that time before. I didn't have to stop once last night. Granted, I can't do all of the poses perfectly but I am trying. I get a little better each time. Maybe I should apply that to my mommy life. I don't have to be the perfect mommy today. I just have to try to get a little better each day. Today I will try to play a little more than yesterday. Today I will try to yell a little less than yesterday. Slowly, just as in yoga, I will get better and better until one day, I can't remember the day I was awful. Here's hoping that today is a little better than yesterday!