Today is Mother's Day and I sit here thinking about what it means to be a mother. This is the most difficult job I've ever had. My employees are insubordinate. They don't listen. They do whatever they want, whenever they want. They yell, fight, scream, bite and sometimes have horrible attitudes. They really should be fired. But they also do amazing things. Today, they said Happy Mother's Day about 14,000 times. They couldn't wait to give me my gifts and homemade cards and Mother's Day projects from school. They give me hugs and kisses when I need them. They tell me I am beautiful. They want me to be with them, play with them, read to them. They love me. Even when I haven't been a good boss. They still love me as I do them.
I always wanted to be a mom. If I couldn't have children of my own, I would have adopted. I can't imagine my life without children but the grass is also sometimes greener on the other side. Sometimes I look at women I know who don't have kids and think, "Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be wonderful to sit at dinner and only be responsible for feeding myself? Wouldn't it be lovely to come home at night and be able to read a book or watch t.v. without having to do baths and stories and fight about bedtime?" But then I think, "Wouldn't it be lonely without all this noise in the house? Wouldn't I be missing something if I didn't get all these hugs and kisses and "I love you"s all day?" And the answer is yes. Yes, it would be too quite and too lonely. I would miss it terribly.
So, I am thankful. Always, even in the tough moments of mothering, that I have these wonderful, healthy children. Because I know. I know that there are people out there who desperately want children but are unable to have them. I know there are people out there who have had to watch children pass away instead of growing old. I know there are people out there who are taking care of very sick children who will be sick all their lives. I just can't imagine it and I am thankful every second of every day. (Even right now as Ben is screaming upstairs that he'll be good.)
I first got pregnant in 2003 and was thrilled. I thought of all the wonderful things I would do with my baby. I thought of how great a mom I was going to be. I couldn't wait. Then, at my 20 week ultrasound, we found out that the baby wasn't going to make it. The baby had half a heart. The arms and legs were malformed. The brain hadn't split into 2 lobes. They thought it was Trisomy 13, an extra 13th chromosome. I said, "Like Down Syndrome?" and the Dr. said, "No, Down syndrome is compatible with life and this isn't." The poor thing had made it to 20 weeks but wasn't going to make it much longer. We made the difficult decision to get a D & E instead of waiting for our beloved baby to die. That baby passed away the morning before I had my D & E. How I cried and bawled and felt like I would never, NEVER survive it. They did an amniocentesis and found that it was Trisomy 18. However, it wasn't an exact Trisomy 18, as the chromosomes weren't all whole. We had to go through genetic testing to see if maybe we carried this. We waited, all the while wondering if we ever be able to have a baby. We found out we were fine but then attended a support group and heard all sorts of horror stories about ways one could lose a baby. It was a dark, dark time.
Then, we got pregnant again. I held my breath when we went for that 20 week ultrasound. And everything was okay. So I breathed a little bit until I thought of everything else that could go wrong. When that little girl was born, healthy, my world as a mom began. I have been a nervous wreck during each pregnancy, waiting for that 20 week ultrasound to show that everything is okay. People ask, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" and I say, "I just want a healthy baby." and I mean it. I know too well the alternative. People take for granted when they get pregnant that everything will work out but I never do because everything might not. I am so thankful every day for these three beautiful children who are happy and healthy. Even on the days when they are being difficult and fighting and screaming and whining. ESPECIALLY on those days when I think I will not make it through the day. I think, "I am SO lucky to have these children." And I am.
I love you Bella, Ben and Sam. With all of my heart and more.
Happy Mother's Day!
