Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and I sit here thinking about what it means to be a mother. This is the most difficult job I've ever had. My employees are insubordinate. They don't listen. They do whatever they want, whenever they want. They yell, fight, scream, bite and sometimes have horrible attitudes. They really should be fired. But they also do amazing things. Today, they said Happy Mother's Day about 14,000 times. They couldn't wait to give me my gifts and homemade cards and Mother's Day projects from school. They give me hugs and kisses when I need them. They tell me I am beautiful. They want me to be with them, play with them, read to them. They love me. Even when I haven't been a good boss. They still love me as I do them.

I always wanted to be a mom. If I couldn't have children of my own, I would have adopted. I can't imagine my life without children but the grass is also sometimes greener on the other side. Sometimes I look at women I know who don't have kids and think, "Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be wonderful to sit at dinner and only be responsible for feeding myself? Wouldn't it be lovely to come home at night and be able to read a book or watch t.v. without having to do baths and stories and fight about bedtime?" But then I think, "Wouldn't it be lonely without all this noise in the house? Wouldn't I be missing something if I didn't get all these hugs and kisses and "I love you"s all day?" And the answer is yes. Yes, it would be too quite and too lonely. I would miss it terribly.

So, I am thankful. Always, even in the tough moments of mothering, that I have these wonderful, healthy children. Because I know. I know that there are people out there who desperately want children but are unable to have them. I know there are people out there who have had to watch children pass away instead of growing old. I know there are people out there who are taking care of very sick children who will be sick all their lives. I just can't imagine it and I am thankful every second of every day. (Even right now as Ben is screaming upstairs that he'll be good.)

I first got pregnant in 2003 and was thrilled. I thought of all the wonderful things I would do with my baby. I thought of how great a mom I was going to be. I couldn't wait. Then, at my 20 week ultrasound, we found out that the baby wasn't going to make it. The baby had half a heart. The arms and legs were malformed. The brain hadn't split into 2 lobes. They thought it was Trisomy 13, an extra 13th chromosome. I said, "Like Down Syndrome?" and the Dr. said, "No, Down syndrome is compatible with life and this isn't." The poor thing had made it to 20 weeks but wasn't going to make it much longer. We made the difficult decision to get a D & E instead of waiting for our beloved baby to die. That baby passed away the morning before I had my D & E. How I cried and bawled and felt like I would never, NEVER survive it. They did an amniocentesis and found that it was Trisomy 18. However, it wasn't an exact Trisomy 18, as the chromosomes weren't all whole. We had to go through genetic testing to see if maybe we carried this. We waited, all the while wondering if we ever be able to have a baby. We found out we were fine but then attended a support group and heard all sorts of horror stories about ways one could lose a baby. It was a dark, dark time.

Then, we got pregnant again. I held my breath when we went for that 20 week ultrasound. And everything was okay. So I breathed a little bit until I thought of everything else that could go wrong. When that little girl was born, healthy, my world as a mom began. I have been a nervous wreck during each pregnancy, waiting for that 20 week ultrasound to show that everything is okay. People ask, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" and I say, "I just want a healthy baby." and I mean it. I know too well the alternative. People take for granted when they get pregnant that everything will work out but I never do because everything might not. I am so thankful every day for these three beautiful children who are happy and healthy. Even on the days when they are being difficult and fighting and screaming and whining. ESPECIALLY on those days when I think I will not make it through the day. I think, "I am SO lucky to have these children." And I am.

I love you Bella, Ben and Sam. With all of my heart and more.

Happy Mother's Day!

I love you. I don't like you.

I feel like I am failing. I am SO not the mother I ever thought I would be. I am not the mother I want to be. I don't play enough with the kids. I am too busy, so many things to do.... Those things are never finished yet I work on them all of the time instead if just sitting on the floor with the kids and playing. I yell too much. Lately, I have just lost my patience. Ben is usually the trigger. Some days I feel like I just yell at him all day long. He just pushes every button. I know he's jealous of his brother but Sam is 13 months old now. It's time for him to accept that Sam is sticking around here. I've tried to do one-on-one time with Ben. I've tried smothering him in love. I've tried setting strict limits. Still, I can't leave Ben and Sam together without staring at them for fear of what Ben will do to Sam. He has already bitten Sam so hard that he broke through the skin. He has stuffed 11 (Yes 11!!!) toys into the kid's feety pajamas. He has tripped him, hit him, pushed him.... I know he loves his brother but he just resents that little baby's place in this family so much. It makes it so much harder too because Sam is all sweetness and happiness. I try to remind myself that Ben is only 4 and I am the adult here but it's so hard sometimes. I tell my husband, Chris, some days how I don't even LIKE Ben. Of course, I love him. But like? Not so much. Especially when he's telling me, "Mommy, I don't like you." Well, the feeling's mutual kid. Isn't that such a horrible thought? I don't even mention it out loud to most people..

Why should we be expected, as parents, to like our kids no matter what. They are human beings with their own personalities. They can be mean. They can say hateful things. They can hit us and pinch us and bite us but because they are children working out emotions, etc. we are expected to like them no matter what. Of course, we love them. Always. More than anything in the world. And if a complete stranger were to say, "I don't like your child. He's mean. He's awful." our Mama Bear protectiveness would come out in a second. But we feel those things sometimes and it's not okay to say it. In fact, say it to the wrong person and you will look like an awful person. I know there are people who say they just love, love, love their children and they can do no wrong. Is that realistic? They're people. Mini people but people nonetheless and they are going to make mistakes and behave the wrong way. I think it's our job as parents to say, "I love you no matter what but I don't like this behavior." We need to teach them to grow up to be kind, gentle, nice adults. Imagine a world of adults behaving as children - hitting, throwing tantrums, biting, being awful. Not such a pretty picture, huh?

Today is a new day for me. I had my 3rd yoga class last night and am inspired. I'm proud of myself. I found myself doing a pose that I hadn't done in the other 2 classes and wondered why I didn't remember it. Then I realized I had been taking a break at that time before. I didn't have to stop once last night. Granted, I can't do all of the poses perfectly but I am trying. I get a little better each time. Maybe I should apply that to my mommy life. I don't have to be the perfect mommy today. I just have to try to get a little better each day. Today I will try to play a little more than yesterday. Today I will try to yell a little less than yesterday. Slowly, just as in yoga, I will get better and better until one day, I can't remember the day I was awful. Here's hoping that today is a little better than yesterday!

First Blog! HOT yoga. New bikes.

I'm attempting this blog because I want to change. I need to change. I need to change our eating habits. I need to change my health. I am always exhausted and way too short with the kids. I am spread too thin with trying to be everything for everyone. I want to work on being a more appreciate person - appreciative of my children, my husband and my life in general. This will be a journey for sure and I could use all the support I can get.

In my attempt to become healthier and stronger, I attended my first Bikram (aka HOT!) yoga class yesterday. I arrived at the class eager and a bit nervous. I left the class sweaty and nauseous. Of course, I am committed to this new life of healthy living and healthy eating, more so after bathing suit shopping today, so I bought the 10-class package and a yoga mat. I walked into the hot, steamy room with excitement. "This is going to be the one exercise I love. I'll be thin and healthy in no time." Let me tell you - 90 minutes is not such a long time when you are home alone without the kids but 90 minutes seems like an eternity when just breathing is a challenge. The air felt like soup and all the new breathing techniques I was learning did nothing to help. I hung in there pretty well until the instructor, Mary, said we were 45 minutes in. That's when I started to rest on my mat occasionally and try to get air into my lungs. I didn't do every move but I didn't embarrass myself either. Hopefully, after the 9 classes I've already paid for, it will be easier enough for me that I will want to stick with it. Today I feel PAIN. My legs hurt when I stand, walk or sit. It's a sign of how good yoga is for the muscles and how out of shape I am.

Bella and Ben got new bikes today - their first "new" ones. What is it about a bicycle that gives you the feeling of freedom? Freedom to go anywhere, freedom to be a kid... Although, when I was a child, I could ride my bike all over the neighborhood and just had to be back home by dinner. We both walked and ran alongside the kids because we would NEVER let them ride alone. Too many crazies out there. Way too dangerous. What a loss it is for this generation. They'll never gain that sense of independence. When will I allow the kids to even walk to the bus stop next door? Maybe at 15? It's terrifying out there. Seeing them ride on their bikes, wind in their hair, legs twirling madly and hearing those laughs just about melted my heart. But always was that feeling of terror that moms have. I was always watching to make sure they didn't fall off the bike or crash into something or miss a car coming around the corner. I once heard a quote about how when you have children, your heart walks around outside your body. How true that is!

Life IS what we make it. Make it a good one.